The Fringe Diet

Want to get Fringe Fit for your festival show? This diet plan for Brighton Fringe performers is guaranteed to revolutionise your Fringe lifestyle and help you get the most from your show run. Flesh will fall from you bones in no time. Er, it’s probably not that good for you, though.

Breakfast

Wake up full of anxiety from a restless night trying to figure out how to fill out the room for tonight’s show. You probably won't be able to face breakfast, actually, but make time for a cuppa. Maybe slosh some brandy in it.

If it’s your debut show, you probably won’t have slept much - which means you’ll be running on adrenaline all day. This is excellent.

Spend the morning sending hopeful emails and scheduling social media posts for the day. Resist the urge to vent.

Brunch

Everyone knows that brunch is the best meal of the day. Promise yourself a really, really good brunch when this is all over.

Hit the festival’s popup bars as early as you dare. 11.30am at the Warren and Spiegelpub is good: get your flyers on those tables before the crowds pack in. Bear in mind that the early afternoon crowd will be full of children: adapt your approach as best suits your show.

Flyer New Road and friendly-looking people at the nearby bars until sunshine and general social exertion makes you nauseous.

Lunch

Head to the Spiegelpub. Grab a pint for the spirit and a discounted bacon and sausage bap for the body. You've earned it. You're not vegan today - you just need the fuel.

Flyer for a while. Try to be friendly and likeable. Engage people. You're not dying inside. You're not.

Go and catch a friendly Fringe show late afternoon. They need the support and you need the cred - and besides, you need a break from the maddening crowds. Take a beer in with you - it’ll help you recharge.

Supper

It's nearly showtime. If you were less than half your target capacity last night (which is probably a third of your total), go flyering for as long as you can afford. Find people near pubs who look up for a laugh. Be fun. If offered a sip of unwanted experimental porter, think twice.

If you were over your target capacity last night but you’re not too anxious about your show, grab some street food and relax a little.

Otherwise, just go find a beer. You'll be great - and that’s all that matters really.

Showtime. Play it like it's your last. If hunger decides to suddenly strike, find an oaty biscuity thing.

Dinner

Show's over! Take both audience members to the pub. You're buying. The shock of this will help you forget any hunger which has somehow broken through the anxiety during the performance.

It's dinnertime - but there's an open mic in Hove and you never know who's going to be there. Could be press. Could be no-one. Worse - it could just be BIMM students. But the kitchen might still be open at 9pm on Bank Holiday Monday, right? Wrong.

If it’s an established open mic then chances are good that you’ll enjoy the biggest audience you’ve seen all Fringe. Enjoy the ten minutes of your set. Another beer will help you be more interesting and less tired.

Grubbs is closed. Sorry. Chew on discontentment on the bus trip home and be glad you don't do this full time.

Crumpets.